What is Your Button of Sabotage?

Mine is

   I remember running to show my mother my report card. I was excited, I had a B in math. Math was almost always the subject that plagued my GPA. But not this year, I had passed all of the state required functional test the first time I took them and I had a B in Math. My mom and I celebrated, then within minutes she said 'you better call and tell your father.' My face dropped. I picked up the phone and called my dad. I ran down all of my grades, leaving math for last and then I said with pride and excitement. 

"Annnnnd I got a B in MATH!"

Without hesitation he said,

 " B? If you got a B, why didn't you get an A?"

  I didn't realize until moments ago that this, this was a seed. A seed the devil planted that later became A button of Sabotage throughout my entire life, UNTIL NOW! 

   I've always been self motivated. I've always been a leader and I've ALWAYS wanted to make my parents proud. After "this" became the basis for my relationship with my father. I realized nothing I did, was ever enough for him. It never seemed like I was good enough. So I decided, I'd place my energy where it was received and I grew further and further away from my father. Our relationship has been embattled since about 12 y/o,  I'm not even sure you can call it a relationship at all. My step father was around majority of my life. As a young child I couldn't pronounce the word 'snow'. I said 'tow' for many years. The first time I said it correctly, my step father act like he had hit the lottery. He didn't always communicate his expectations appropriately but he pushed me and it didn't hurt like my dad's responses did. When I think about it, It's not that I didn't or don't want to be 'pushed' but I think you have to 'qualify your pushing'. I'd struggled with math EVERY SEMESTER, EVERY YEAR. and the one semester that I was happy with my grade, my dad disqualified it. I wanted to say, "you don't know how hard I've worked for this." When you haven't been there can you place an expectation on someone? I love my father and I pray for him daily. I don't know if our relationship was a sacrifice for the work God will do through my life but I know some people make love seem so easy and others make it seem impossible. Let's all work to LOVE everyone and I trust God will redeem and restore His people.

  Fast Forward: I love the Cosby show. I love how Cliff delighted in Claire. It shaped how the kids treated her and our (as an audience) esteem for her. I love the Martin show. I love the conflict between Martin and Gina as they figured out how to love someone they admired but didn't totally identify with. I love how they found the 'good enough' in each other; it gave the characters substance, layers and we became invested in them as a result. 

  I did a google search and I typed in "You make me feel like nothing I do is good enough". I was moved to tears when I saw how many images came up regarding women. I realized my sisters don't think we are good enough. It may be expressed through over achieving, promiscuity etc. etc. But it's present. 

Sisters, I urge you to begin this work with me. 

Write down:

What are my buttons of sabotage?

(If he/she does __________, I'm going to shut down, I'll leave, I'll check  out, I'll write you off etc.)

(ex: The moment you make me feel like I'm not smart enough, attractive enough, or nothing I do is good enough, I'm going to leave you and I'm going to show you how good I actually am)

This is how you use to respond. Go to God in prayer and ask HIM for deliverance. Ask HIM for the affirmations you need to write, the prayer you need to pray, ask Him to send a love that is sensitive to your needs in these areas and ask Him to give you the strength to not use this discovery as a hindrance. It's a breakthrough, allow it to grow you into...

  Sisters if you've leaned from it, you haven't loss as a result of it. But it is time to force ourselves into the lesson. This word came as a result of my pressing. I've been on my knees for a full week. I've been at a conference at church. I've been reading our #BIBLEin90days and I'm receiving Gods downloads as a result. I'm in #AWE of God and how HE is using this ministry to bless us into our next. I'm expecting to read your testimonies and I'm expecting HIS word to come to life in each of our lives. 

YOU LEAVE ME IN #AWE 

@awomansenergy